If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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