He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
