I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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