i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
