listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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