its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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