Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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