still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
