I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
