After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
