Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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