Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize