I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.