I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need to sanitize my soul.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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