I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
