you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
