On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
