my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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