You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
