Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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