this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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