I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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