her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
