guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
