You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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