I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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