Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
