Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
