I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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