Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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