Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
