I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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