Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
