My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
