fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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