Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That accounts for only three of the penises
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
