drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
