i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
