I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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