Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?