Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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