a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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