hell yes lets make some ravioli
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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