I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
