the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
