I could make wine with my vomit
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
