He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
