Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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