Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
