I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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