I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
