Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
