Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life