She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
