No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
