I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
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I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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