i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
