I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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