i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
