you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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