moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
