you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's not a walk of shame if you run
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
